Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *on the computer*

9-year-old: What are you doing?

Me: Registering you for school.

9: I thought we were friends.

a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen

Guy: so what u up to after this?

Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley

When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.

My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.

The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten

Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?

Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby

Her: New cat?

I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.

*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN

When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂

I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood

Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body

I didn’t come here to be called names

Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.

T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.

T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?

T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.

Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.

[Movie Theatre]

Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.

8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.

Me:

Employee:

*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*

I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.

I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.

I should move the bodies.

Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….

If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.

Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber

You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.

I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys

When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.

stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao

My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us

If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.