Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Leaving for work]

*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*

[first day as a stand-up comedian]

batman: how’d I do, alfred?

alfred: i felt like your dad.

batman: proud?

alfred: 💀💀

My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.

“can we play our computers on the plane?”

bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone

Alexa, make out with the Roomba

When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done

Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.

Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?

Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved

I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank

Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.

*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?

if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?

She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.

They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.

Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.

Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped

her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?

i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that

Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict

Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”

doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?

me: i’m doing my best

doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?

me: best doesn’t mean good

This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!

It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.

If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.

Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.

God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.

And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked

Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing

interviewer: what are your strengths

me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it

interviewer: what about weaknesses

me: my mom’s a mess

If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”

You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.