Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
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George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?