Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
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A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.