If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
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I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
I’ve invented a new kind of waffle maker that makes 300 waffles per minute whether you want it to or not
Follow your instincts, into the path of a moving train.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Netflix and you sit over there.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese