Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar

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If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.


I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.


Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll


A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.


I’ve invented a new kind of waffle maker that makes 300 waffles per minute whether you want it to or not


UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god


My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.


Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese