Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.

My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word

8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.

I’m sorry what now?!

13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.

Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.

13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”

Do I fail parenting now?

i really liked this one

When the skirt was invented women only had one leg

Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind

Rainbows

Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.

This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter

*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?

“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.

*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*

doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week

me: the what

doc: the cabbage

me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??

doc:

i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)

the doc howled with laughter lmaooo

Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.

They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler

The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.

I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco

Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?

Me: As many free office supplies as possible.

The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.

I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.

Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.

We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life

Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.

do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”

Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time

*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*

Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.

What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.

There was a sudden Jeff in the family

Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes

I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.

I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again

God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.