Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.

can’t believe I got front row seats

‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong

You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.

I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.

Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.

I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order

If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.

[invention of cap’n crunch]

satan: give them sugar croutons

speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date

“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.

I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.

Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.

Fun times

I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.

I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.

Archaeology.

If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”

If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.

There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.

If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.

Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”

Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?

Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.

There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.

How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.

My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.

GPS: Take the next right.

Me:

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…

Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.

We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”

I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.

[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?

DATE: The worst night of my life

ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail

Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.

I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck

– The inventor of the scarf