Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
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God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.