Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
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New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.
Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?