Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
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Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”