Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.

Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.

Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.

How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”

[first day on the job as a drug dealer]

*giggles*

“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”

*gets stabbed*

Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.

The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie

Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.

Computer: *Crashes

Me: *Opens document

Word: You’re not gonna believe this…

I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.

my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped

I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.

CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?

ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!

DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?

Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.

I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.

My iPhone does NOT rule my life.

Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.

My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.

I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.

When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..

Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.

Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.

I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now

age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing

ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*

I like waiters.

They bring a lot to the table.

Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites

when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost

Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .

skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury

*first day of umpire school*

Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?

Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine

Saturday

[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?

me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no

*pronounces injury like lingerie*