Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.

Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners

Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*

Me: here’s the thing Curp

Lowes employee: it’s Curt

Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are

What’s the point buying it then?

I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.

My nice little date:

Genie: I want infinite bananas

Banana Salesman:

Genie: Do u see how annoying that is

My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.

I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.

She threw it at her sister’s head.

The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat

Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”

A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless

Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters

it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware

You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.

Son?

“Yes dad?”

If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…

“Yes?”

Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf

Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen

I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him

My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”

We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store

Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.

I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.

I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.

any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them

Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.

You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.

Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho

Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.

Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶

Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there

Me: Have fun on your date.

Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?

Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?

Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.

Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate