Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
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COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.