Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: wish you were here!

me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really

A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.

[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit

An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.

Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”

My wife:

I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.

My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.

I threw up my hands in disgust last night.

Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.

her: wanna come over

me: can’t i’m at an office party

her: ur self-employed

me: and having a great time

Me: I have to go to a funeral.

Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?

Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.

Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.

Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?

Me: What?

Brain: Eat brownies about it.

Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.

Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.

*finally detangles ear buds

*plane lands

Are you tired of having a great friendship?

Ruin it with Sex™

My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale

My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts

what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube

Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.

The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.

[during sex]

her: choke me

me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}

A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.

16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’

Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’

16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘

Me: *slam

“I’m over 40 and I stretched.”

-me, explaining why I can’t move my back

My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.

Me: I really can’t stay

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: I’ve got to go away

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: Just let me go!

Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?

I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.

BEETROOT

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with me

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea

#NationalPoetryDay

[at the pool]

4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?

Me: so nobody steals it

4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.

Me: most thieves dress like regular people

4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white

Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store

lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-

me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!