Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?

*Middle of dinner*

My kid: Can I have a snack?

When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory

I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣

The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.

Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor

I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.

wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though

“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.

I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this

In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.

Dear Starbucks:

The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.

Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?

Superman: Um obviously.

Batman: Think about that for a second.

*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*

OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE

Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.

Me: I need sex, and I need it now…

Her: I understand. You want to be alone.

Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”

A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee

Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

In Canada they just call them geese

I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.

Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.

It’s the redoucheflex

[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]

Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS

Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.

H: What’s for breakfast?

M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*

H: Great, when are you making potatoes?

M: They’re in my orange juice.

every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991