Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
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There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
My last name is Zilla.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”