Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
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This checks out
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me