Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
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I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*