me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
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Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Geez man, take it easy.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack