Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?

What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.

(at the pearly gates)

St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it

In Russia, Pokemon find you.

I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.

*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*

I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy

Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.

reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback

If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.

Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*

Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?

Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.

shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM

Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed

I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy

Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”

It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.

[trust fall exercise at work]

CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!

M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.

[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”

[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5

8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this

cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]

I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.

Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.

Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”

I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”

BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*

Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”

[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep

[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut

“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination

I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.