me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
You Might Also Like
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do