Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”

Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.

(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.

The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.

Follow me for more life hacks.

[Jeopardy]

Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.

Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.

Me: [buzz] what is summer.

Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.

Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.

My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.

[at specialist office]

Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?

Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?

SD: no

M: you sure?

SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no

First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.

5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.

Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.

job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them

Here’s a step by step guide to staircases

*gives you a handrail*

*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*

Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.

People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.

animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what

Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey

Me: Tonight?

Her: Yes

[After the movie]

Her: OMG that was so hot!

Me: Mom, please just stop talking

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday

Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.

Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster

Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead

[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today

“is everything alright?”

[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no

If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?

“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”

If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe

If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.

Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”

Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded

Friday night plans

*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac

a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch

I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night

WIFE: Where’s the dog?

*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*

ME: I let him outside.