Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.

Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”

Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”

[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]

[on the phone]

Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.

CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?

the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all

kids: oh no

wife: oh no

parents: oh no

me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO

Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.

[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“Cuz im going too fast?”

Cop: Yes, slow down.

“But it’s been 6 months-”

Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.

I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.

T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said

*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away

“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.

FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised

When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you

dutch is not a serious language

Inkling sounds like a baby octopus

Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon

44.65

*click*
44.87

*click*
44.96

*click*
44.98

*click*
44.99

*click*
45.01

~ gas pumps

Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.

Exec: *under breath* whoa

I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end

Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing

Also me: runs into everybody I know

[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?

Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em

I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.

Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.

I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow

Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna

WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record

Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.

friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist

me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman

Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots

Him: You don’t have Russian roots

Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*

ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE

shazam but for random noises outside