Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.

What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?

A parsnip.

can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude

My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?

All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.

Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.

Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.

graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday

The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.

My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again

Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.

[at restaurant]

me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.

waiter: what can i get you?

me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh

A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house

My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”

There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.

When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets

*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!

“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”

I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.

Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10

Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.

[Lois & Superman’s first date]

Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.

Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!

*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*

Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.

That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

Ahh Monday.. Like the unpleasant realisation of an auto renewal that’s 3 X the original price

I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.

There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.