Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
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Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
This is a whole mood;
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]