Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]

I’m always there for my friends when I need them.

Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.

schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news

patient: what do they say?

schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live

patient: what’s the good news?

schrödinger: there isn’t any now

Me: *disappears for a few weeks*

Friends: *No concern*

Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*

Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?

I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.

Couldn’t recommend it enough.

Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical

*gets on 1 knee*

Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?

Her: Please get off my knee

Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.

There are three types of people:

1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.

A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.

9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.

Me: Make me look good.

9: FINE. I’ll write something else.

[me as a snake handler]

Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.

Nice mustache, bro.

Her: What?

And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?

So many people out there need a grilled cheese cut diagonal and ten thousand dollars cash right now

Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!

Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*

Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it

Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.

I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.

Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.

It’s my cracking, popping joints that has unfortunately kept me from my career as an unexpectedly hot assassin

Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?

Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]

I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.

*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*