Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
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SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant