Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance

My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.

Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.

To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.

No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.

When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.

If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.

If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.

[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep

You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.

Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.

If snakes were wide

Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

Me: no, is he any good?

a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat

[In football huddle]

“What do you guys think happens when we die?”

me: how much for the wireless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.

At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police

hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected

me: why does my back hurt

also me:

Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.

Wise advice

*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*

If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂

The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.

Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids

Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.

Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.

Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.

I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….

But, I can walk.