ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
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I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.
Girl wake up, you’re drunk
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
*jingles half the way*
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?