ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
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funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Grew big
