Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven

Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.

We’ve come full circle

“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”

-Disney’s Frozen

I paused the movie to tweet this…

someone just bragged they had two jobs.

this country is so lost.

I believe I can flyyy.

I believe I can touch the skyyy.

I believe I was mistaaaken.

I believe I’m faaalling.

I believe I’m gonna diiiie.

ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm

[Married pillow-talk]

Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.

Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..

Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.

Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil

If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.

◾️

There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.

*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*

i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops

DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.

I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?

Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart

Me: it’s pandamonium!

Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]

What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.

Guy: I want to be more than friends

Me: like business owners?

My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.

[deserted Island]

other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies

me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously

I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.

I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.

[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard

Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.

We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.

Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit