ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
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Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words
If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.