ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
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someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Nobody told me that it takes 1-2 business days to put a snow outfit on a toddler
Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”