ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
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The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”