ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
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4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.