me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
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I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
. ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.