Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person

Me: ok

[Later]

Her: Hi!

Me: Hi you look uglier online

Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest

coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]

2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)

2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)

People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.

I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.

Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”

God: you have terrible eyesight.

Bat: oh no.

God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.

Bat: sweet!

God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.

Bat:

God:

Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.

Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack

My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol

This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas

STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF

Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”

I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.

“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers

To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.

Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…

How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent

You: Where’s Carl?

Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind

You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?

Me: Funny you should ask

interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?

me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born

I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.

Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.

When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.

One kid asked, “does he bite?”

“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.

So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.

Please be aware that while my posts are largely based on true events, some have had squirrels added for dramatic purposes.

speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date

me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!

I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand

[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?

Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world

Ash: i’m a kid

Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you

Ash: that sounds dangerous

Oak: keep it caged in a ball

Ash: kinda harsh

Oak: catch’em all

Ash: you okay bro

Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS

[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”

A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..