Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place

Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.

When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.

I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.

I eat them now.

I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.

Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by

*walks outside*

Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.

*looks around*

*lights BBQ*

*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*

Them: What is wrong with you?

Me: How much time do you have?

Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,

freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door

me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that

Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.

My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped

Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”

My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.

I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.

What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you

Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake

I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.

*spills water on pants*

ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants

“hey what happ–”

MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL

I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write

I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.

I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning

Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.

ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height

Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*

“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad

I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.

[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]

Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram