Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.

Jack: hello, beans

Beans: hello, Jack

-Jack and the beans talk

I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.

I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.

My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.

i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?

I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.

I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.

My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.

Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.

I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”

My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end

Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.

Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…

Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?

“We are going to Taiwan”

Juan: No, please don’t!

Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.

PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.

Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.

Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:

Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas

Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no

[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible

*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.

“Follow me!”

Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!

(Me at an exercise class)

At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.

Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.

Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon

I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring

jeweler: how many karats

bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much