Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.

My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…

Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…

I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.

COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*

ME: what’s that for?

COP: seriously?

ME:

COP: I think it’s to keep out ants

[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]

Me: Can we talk about salary?

Boss: Not if you want to keep your job

Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping

[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*

I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..

My surgeon friends disagreed.

The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking

Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship

Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”

I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip

Some people are like a ray of spray tan.

I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.

I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.

Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.

what’s for dinner?

ME: indian

we had indian last night

ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so

yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.

Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.

Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…

My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants

Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request

me: cool!

Facebook: she’s racist now

me: uhh

Facebook: everyone on here is

me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt

bf: ur what

me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok

bf: the what

me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—

bf: wh—

me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy

🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse

🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse

🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse

Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”

I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.

Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.

If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.

A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.