Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃

Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?

– How I ask what the dress code is.

007: the name’s bond…james bond

me: nice to meet you bond james bond

007: just james bond

me: bond just james bond

007: no my full name is just james bond

me: nice to meet you just james bond

007: you know i can legally kill you

me: no, never met him

007: *draws weapon*

Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie

my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?

I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.

Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.

So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!

They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.

always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care

Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.

What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?

angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight

God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?

angel: we also invented tequila

I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.

thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes

Give me Players for $500 Alex

“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”

What is checkmate?

“Wrong! What is your sex life”

You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.

Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.

One of my kid’s friends was talking about how he told his dad about a cool new group called Bon Jovi

No you didn’t, 9 year old lol

Succinctly put.

My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book

I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.

Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.

Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.

I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.

Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back

Sounds about right. 😂🤣

My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.

I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.

IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.

Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.

Me: thanks duckter

Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you

To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.