Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.

I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine

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Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.

Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?

[stabbing you with a knife]

I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.

Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: here? with you?

Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.

my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.

I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’

Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.

*I gently close front door

Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!

Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?

I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.

Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.

When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.

I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.

Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”

“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend

Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.

Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp

You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.

Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.

My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.

That came out of nowhere.

Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.

Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”

Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”

The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.

Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.

i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them