me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
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Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Noted.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.