Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377.

Hope that helps.

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can

The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.

INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?

ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off

Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.

I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is

I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit

Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out

The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”

But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.

You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!

Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.

Me: Make sure you close the bag.

My kids:

why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt

“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”

I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.

*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?

Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?

Do strangers call to pay my bills?

And if they do, why don’t you let them?

God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.

Angel: Like at 6 AM?

God: Earlier.

Angel: 5 AM?

God: EARLIER

How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?

Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.

The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.

Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?

Pharaoh: i actually love this

ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do

Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two

Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers

Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”

Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”

Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”

you can run but you can’t hide

*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.

If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.

Bring it.

Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.

Who hurt you?