Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.

Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.

Me: Sweet.

I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.

Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*

[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?

Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.

[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]

stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you

cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry

me: some of your colleagues are chasing me

I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast

If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.

no one:

absolutely no one:

my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it

Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*

Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate

Me: *shyly lifts top*

Husband: no

I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense

My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day

I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?

Stacy: Come over!

Me: Okay!

Stacy: My mom isn’t home.

Me: Nevermind.

I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.

I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.

Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months

Reporter: so what happened?

Scientist: it’s dead.

Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to

Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.

I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.

The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.

if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

I live alone.

The dryer is my closet.

Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.

Me: How old am I?

Brain: Give me a minute.

Me: What’s my email password?

Brain: I don’t remember.

Me: Why’d I walk in this room?

Brain: I have no idea.

Me:

Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.

My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?