me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
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Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.
She said yes.
Part ways through the first episode she asks:
“I wonder when we meet Evan.”
I asked, who?
She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Whoa… oh I see lol
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.