Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:

-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat

Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.

I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.

IT guy: How much Internet do you need?

My folks: 10,000

[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa

You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.

Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings

Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.

Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?

Me: How much for the round lizard

Grocer: That’s a lime

I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.

Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”

FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.

Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class

A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.

What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.

The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.

VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions

my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met

me: ok

[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?

me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life

If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.

Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more

Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?

Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.

Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?

My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.

I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.

THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭

Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.

15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.

Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!

15: Uhhh…what?

Me: Never mind.

Them: We should go for a walk in the park

Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?

Them:

Me: Oh right, exercise

My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!

Why I hate technology:

Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.

“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”

Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking

[me while painting nails]: Obvi

Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails

Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.