Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

His best quality?

His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.

My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.

“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.

Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.

*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*

One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl

Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.

*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!

Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.

even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen

What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?

She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.

The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.

Boss: Are you going to do any work today?

Me: Has it been optional this whole time?

If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.

Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands

GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing

*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*

GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.

Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need

[olive garden]

HOST: when you’re here you’re family

DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes

If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.

*in public restroom*

Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.

Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*

can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer

My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets

Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.

First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland

Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.

Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.

bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

me: why

bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline

Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.

My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.

Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.

One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan

My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.

Challenge accepted!