ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
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@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*