Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
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One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
The Children of the Corn were better with the Children of the Butter and the Children of the Salt.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
