Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
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Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
OMFG!
I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.
Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,
I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
superman landing like a plane on his belly
How many pieces of chocolate is too many? Please say upwards of 27.