Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
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Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Perfect.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.