ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
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I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
i just started buying stock from the market…i have chicken, beef, and vegetable…i hope that makes me a bouillonaire one day 😂😂 i love telling jokes and walking around the financial district in new york city 😝
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Just went to the Oreo website and hit “accept all cookies” … and now we wait
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.