ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
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From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
I’ve got two, maybe three, quests left in me, but only if someone carries my horse.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.