ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
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Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
Yup
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩