Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
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*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
[wedding vows]
Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
iPhone X
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.