Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me

Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo

If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher

Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait

911: *sigh* did he have –

Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again

Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.

My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.

I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.

My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life

H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?

M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.

I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.

Me: So that’s a no?

11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.

Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.

RIDDLER: riddle me this

TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*

GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son

GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..

My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”

“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.

OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.

“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes

ME: can I ask one last question

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot

[gunshots]

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck

*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*

*Cleans glasses*

“Omg I have a cat?”

My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.

ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!

6YR OLD: what are we having?

ME: you’ll like it! trust me!

6: I ain’t falling for that shit again

Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking

Me: How many legs does the dog have?

4 y.o: Five

Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.

4: There’s something wrong with the dog.

My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us

Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.

No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.

*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring