Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.

i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly

My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.

I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.

The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.

A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no

a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”

[Text]

18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!

Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?

Close call…

If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.

“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12

NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?

writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound

1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.

Homeschooling, day 8:

People do this willingly?

I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after

ME: how old is your son?

WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months

Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.

The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.

Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….

My brother said he wants to have eight or nine more kids. I said, “Wow, instead of having nephew, I’ll have neph many!”

He said, “You’re living proof that uncle jokes are even worse than dad jokes.”

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

it’s not been my year

Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.

If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.

My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.

My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.

Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.

do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy

Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.

Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me: