me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}
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won’t smith
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.