ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again
The Fashion Industry: No.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
The median voter
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
