me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
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I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
She might be a genius
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Breaking news:
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.