Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”

*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*

*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!

Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.

The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way

[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”

when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings

I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.

“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.

i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there

I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.

*1st dinner date*

Me: waiter, can I get the bill-

Her: I love sophisticated guys

Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?

you, an idiot: *eats a snack*

me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*

Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.

I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake

I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.

Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.

Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*

*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*

adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad

Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!

Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*

I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine

I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.

I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.

*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”

*the oranges finally shut up

No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.

9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?

Me: Slept in.

i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”

At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating

TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?

Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel

TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead