me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
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You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”