Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
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Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
No one:
My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Every time my phone rings
