Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

deleting my mental health to focus on social media

[audition]

Casting Director: can you do accents?

Me: *cries Britishly*

CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?

Me: *cries in Japanese*

CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly

My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”

Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.

While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off

You get: 1 hour of extra sleep

You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm

GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish

Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.

*bugs bunny*

bunny: stop bothering me

Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”

He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s

A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.

If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody

If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.

*throws nickel at grandpa*

I need more magic ear money.

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.

Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.

the word: Mildew

my brain: Mother In Law Dew

ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods

product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open

ceo: lol no

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*

*Downloads five apps*

That should do it for today.

Aww My microbiome is craving some fermented fruit? Perhaps some kombucha? I don’t care. I’m the macrobiome I’ll drink a Fanta lemon if I want to. I’ll swallow coins.

Dons gloves and bandana.

Saunters into restaurant.

THIS IS A TAKE OUT!

Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.

One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*

All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.

My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.

mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]