me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
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cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
