Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.

They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me

Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones

Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?

Me: no, the bones in my mouth

Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones

If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.

I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms

A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’

If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.

I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.

Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.

I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.

Except you. You get under me.

My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle

Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?

Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy

It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get

my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson

me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits

I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.

If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.

10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’

If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.

it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken

Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.

[reading dinosaur book]

8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl

ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus

8: how did you ever get laid?

me: hi do you take walk-ins

the morgue: what

G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas

Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks

Him: you just offended all of Canada

Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.

Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.

Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: I was raised in a working-class family…

Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.