Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?

To all my friends who lost weight- I found it

Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.

“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill

A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes

Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.

Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”

This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋

TODAY

*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?

M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!

Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.

it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.

MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.

whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —

Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.

[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff

Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.

According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.

My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.

My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.

[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?

I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.

[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.

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