Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?

it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat

Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died

If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.

Our middle child says we neglect him/her.

Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.

Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.

Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?

Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.

Interviewer: How soon can you start?

[on a plane]

Captain: I have bad news

Passengers: *gasp*

Captain: the middle class is dying

Passengers: oh, that’s true

Captain: first class might survive

Passengers: what

Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*

Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.

My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.

One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.

According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast

I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand

Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb

PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.

[first day in hell]

Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?

Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—

Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*

*First day as a fire investigator*

Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down

Woman: Have you ruled out arson?

Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No

I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.

*trips over globe and breaks both legs*

My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window

[job interview]

“What’s your biggest weakness?”

“My honesty”

“I don’t think-”

“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”

me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields

farmer: wtf have you done?!

Draw me like one of your French Fries.

Little known trivia:

If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.

Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am

Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’

My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness

I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women

My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.

Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.

4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA

Eve: I’m hungry

Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe

Eve: not this again