Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
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Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Art by Pastelkatto
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
become ungovernable
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business