Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?

I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.

SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*

THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.

Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*

You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.

I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.

Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade

[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*

Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?

newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?

me: it’s fine by me

newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!

People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?

Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms

Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.

Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!

The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*

Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening

dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy

Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto

4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away

5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*

5:10AM: *alarm goes off*

Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.

It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices

I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.

After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:

“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.

not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?

I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.

I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.

[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]

Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.